A Story of Love

He waited, craning his neck, looking at the horizon that seemed to shimmer and dance in the heat. For many days and weeks he had looked and waited, hoping and eagerly anticipating the figure he so longed to see. His heart ached again as he looked at the empty horizon and a tear trickled down his weathered face. A piece of him was missing and he so wanted it back. He would never give up hope of seeing her beloved face again. Day after day he looked and waited, wishing her back to him. As he sadly shook his head and began to turn away, movement caught his eye. He looked up quickly, his heart somersaulting in his chest. A butterfly flitted by and his disappointment was etched on his countenance. Then he saw her. She looked tired and weak dragging her feet like leaden weights over the dusty hill. Her posture spoke volumes. He saw the defeated slump of her shoulders and how her head drooped in shame and failure and his heart swelled with love for her. She had come home. Quickly he ran from the homestead and out onto the dusty road that wound its way up the hill. He ran as though his very life depended on it. As he appraoched her he could smell the stench of unworthiness and the fear in her, but none of it mattered to Him. She could not look him in the eye and she cast her eyes downward at the stony ground like a child waiting to be chastised. She waited for his words of anger and rejection but they didn’t come. When she looked up into his face she saw the face of love. He flung his arms around her in a love embrace, nestling his face into her neck and kissing her tenderly, breathing in all the fear, rejection, self-loathing and shame and replacing it with unconditional acceptance. Her tears flowed down onto his shoulder as she asked for forgiveness and promised she would try harder and would work harder to make the relationship work. He listened for a brief while and then placed his finger over her lips to silence her. He carried her the last few steps up to the homestead and called for his servants to bring her his robe and his treasured possessions. As she looked in confusion up to him he smiled the smile of pure love and acceptance. Her heart broke again and she cried, “I’m sorry Daddy, I’ve let you down.” He wiped her tears away, hugged her and said “Welcome home my daughter – you could never disappoint me for I love you more than life itself and everything I have is yours. As his words sank into her mind and into her heart she felt secure and safer than she had in a long time. She was home and looking into the eyes of love.

The last few years God has been making this a reality to me as I read the story of the Prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. In a sense I have walked this very road, and even though it has not been a road of rebellion and walking away from God, I have understood this journey simply because I have not understood the Father’s love for me and how precious I am to Him. I had a  wrong perception of God and viewed Him as being stern and so Holy that my mistakes would require Him to judge me and for me to have to work harder to receive His acceptance and love. This left me feeling unworthy and feeling guilty or never good enough to please Him when actually all He wanted was for me to come to him and receive the unconditional love that He has for me. This is a journey I have learned and now that His love has become real to me, I never want to be anywhere else other than His presence. He feels the same way about you and He really wants a relationship with you – it’s not about rules that have to be followed and laws that will keep you in bondage – it is all about a creator who wants to know you and wants to know your struggles. How he loves us and longs for us to want Him. It is not a sign of weakness to need Him – rather it takes great courage and trust and admit that we need Him and his love in our lives.

Dreaming…

If I could dream a little about what I would see my life like if I could have anything, this is what it would be. I would live in a country farmhouse with a wrap around porch that looked over the fields and to the mountains (because I have always loved mountains). I would have chickens scratching in the garden (which would be full of country flowers of course) and fresh eggs for breakfast each day. I would have a vegetable patch that would feed us and a big swing in the backyard hanging from a tall tree for the kids. Life would be simple and living off the land in greater measure. There would be family time that would be quality and technology (except for my netbook which I am very attached to) would be limited. Sunsets would be appreciated as we sat on the porch with our sundowners. We did have this dream briefly a few years ago, but only for a short while.

The reality is that as much as I dream of a country life, we are called to be here in Melbourne at this season in God. I know that we could live happily that way, but God has called us to get back into church leadership and as much as I have dug my heels in and fought God on this, I have lost the battle (how surprising!!) He has spoken to my heart and urged me on to go back to the place that once tore us to shreds. Our circumstances are so different now and the leadership we are under are incredible, so I feel very secure. So dreaming is all it shall be – I will settle for what I am blessed with – a home that is like a big farmhouse, and a 10 minute drive which puts me in the country with little effort. As for the mountains….. well we’ll keep dreaming!!! To find out more about what is happening with us, keep checking my blogs (4maze and Fresh Encounters) to see  where God is leading us – more on this soon!!

Provision – new adventures

18 November 2009

With our plans to move out of our rental home going ahead, and needing to move out a bit earlier than we planned, we were really worried that we would literally be camping for a few weeks. God is so faithful and good – He always provides and this case is no exception for us. Hubby was feeling a little pressured as to where we would go, but it turns out we have been offered someone’s home to housesit for 5 weeks followed by another housesit which should help us for two months. This is perfect for us as we can save some money by doing this which is a big benefit to us. All is looking good so far – we still have some decisions as to timing to iron out, but we are believing God to show us very clearly the way forward. I am feeling very excited now as I have scoured the internet for homes and I have a good feeling for rental prices and what we can get for our money.

19 November 2009

God is so good to us all the time. Just when we feel so blessed at His provision, He does more and blows our minds. We were chatting to our friend in Melbourne about our arrival plans when he told us that the church were so excited we were coming. They don’t even know us, so already I was blown away at their openess to us coming. Then he said that as a church they had collected beds for our kids and a lounge suite for us and one couple have decided to buy Hubby and myself a bed. This is generosity that has floored us – people giving to us when they know nothing about us – now that’s kingdom living at its best.

We have been sowing a lot of our stuff as well as selling it on Trade Me, and we are seeing God’s favour and provision to us. This makes the whole adventure so exciting for us all. The kids have been given a box each and need to select only those really precious items.

So we are packing and emptying out our home at a rapid rate . as I am typing this blog it has come to my attention via Hubby that we now have to move out of our home even sooner than we thought. We have a week to pack up, but this is actually a blessing in disguise as we will save so much more now and we have a place to stay. God truly does care for our every need!

New Adventures – Citizenship Ceremony

Yesterday was  the day we became New Zealand Citizens. I felt so proud to go up and receive my certificate from the Mayor and thankful that we have had this opportunity to become Kiwis. This is a magnificent Nation that is very multicultural and diverse and I shed a good few tears today for various reasons. I especially enjoyed the Waiata that they sang for us and the Haka is always one of my favourite New Zealand things.

Mostly I cried because we will be leaving as I have alluded to and I have loved living here so much, but I am thrilled to be a New Zealander and will always remain so. I cried during the national anthem – our anthem must be one of the most powerful, godly anthems in the world and always brings out pride in me.

I have been blogging about the changes and move we will be making but have waited to post it till we became Kiwis. The date at the top of the post is when I began blogging about it.

Our first family photo as Kiwis.

10 November 2009

I can’t wait anymore to start blogging about our next adventure. Although this will be in draft for awhile before I publish it, I didn’t want to forget any details of how it all came about.

We have been toying with the idea of relocating again for about 10 months. Currently we live in New Zealand but we have been feeling that we need to move to Australia. But, I am getting ahead of myself here.

Before we even came to New Zealand we had a prophecy given to us by a very reputable person. She had no idea that we had it in our hearts to move to NZ as she didn’t really know us at all. When she prophesied she said that she clearly saw us being thrust out into New Zealand. Then she went on to say that we would also go to Australia. I must admit I didn’t really pay any attention to the Australia bit as I was so excited about New Zealand. Incredibly, God has linked us with old friends  who now live in Melbourne and who lead a church there. About 10 months ago they asked us to consider moving over to help them with their church. Initially we weren’t too sure what to do. Technically we couldn’t do anything as we didn’t yet have our New Zealand citizenship and so moving over was out of the question.

That leads me to another prompting. A year ago (even before we connected with our friends again) I felt God really stir my heart to apply for our NZ citizenship. God provided the finance for us to do it even though we were really stretched financially at the time. Now we have our citizenship granted and things are falling into place for us. We  have applied to a number of schools for Hubby to get a teaching post at and we are trusting God for the timing.

It is always good to get confirmation for how you are feeling. The leader of the church we used to lead in South Africa years ago sent us an email. We have not been in contact for awhile and he has no idea what our plans are. This is what he wrote :

We’re excited and expectant for God to use us more and more as we are more aware of Him and more available to Him (as I am writing this I feel to step out and say that I see you packing boxes again! I think that there is a major move for you as a family in 2010- is it into the East – Singapore or Malaysia perhaps?)

Now although we are not going to the East (Singapore opr Malaysia) we are going to the east of Melbourne and the church we are joining works into eastern countries, particularly India. Our heart is to be a part of this work. God speaks to us in wonderful ways and reassures us when things seem fuzzy. He is so good. So things begin to fall into place and I will keep you posted.

New Beginnings

Today is my birthday and 7 years since we first arrived in New Zealand. I feel as though we have gone through a full cycle and that jubilee is here. The last few years have been very hard for me as I have worked through disappointments,  rejection, betrayal and pain that came through our own mistakes as well as through ministry – where perceptions and expectations were  placed upon us by others. I have felt over the last couple of years as though my identity has been stripped away and as though I have had to find myself again in obscurity. The only thing that saw me through and allowed my heart to choose to remain forgiving and positive was my amazing family and husband and having to reach out to God and ask Him to wrap me in a new identity where I saw myself as loved by Him no matter what my function was.

This has taken time but I am glad that I have discovered who I am in Him – I no longer need to do for the sake of it, but I can enjoy being and as a result I want to do, but for completely different reasons now. I have decided that I am done with meaningless Christianity – please don’t get me wrong – I love Jesus passionately and His church, but if things don’t change whereby I am living meaningfully for Him and advancing and ushering in His kingdom in a real way – I don’t mean by rituals of just saying prayers or going to church hoping that things will change and people will get saved (that hasn’t worked!!) then I am wasting my time and I’m just like the guy who buried his talent – Ouch!!!

Rather I want to live out kingdom – touch the broken, love the unlovely, feed the hungry and pray for the sick seeing them get well and restored. I get a little taste of this at work as I help two kids who need encouragement, but this is only the tip of the iceberg.

So today I felt a new beginning – a rebirth and a fresh start and I am looking forward to the next season of change with anticipation and excitement. I can’t wait to see what God is going to do!!

My Journey – Part 11

Sometimes we see so dimly – like looking through frosted glass or a window that has rain running down it – we think we see clearly, or that what we can see is sufficient but it is a distortion of the whole picture. Revelation is a wonderful thing – it is truth being revealed to us  – our eyes being opened to things we have not seen or perceived before. I feel as though I am going through a time of revelation in my life and I am blown away by what I am seeing and perceiving. I have been a follower of Jesus for twenty-nine years and suddenly I find myself questioning everything I have believed for those years. My love for Jesus has not waned – in fact it has increased, but I find myself asking why the church is not moving in greater power and being more effective out in the world than we are at present. I have always loved the church and still do, but I think the time of being our own little group that justs meets to be trained constantly and to encourage one another for no other reason than to be a holy huddle is definitely over!! Sometimes I feel we have become so tame as the church – we have been lulled into comatose behaviour and led to believe that we are limited in what we can do. The teaching is that we can do all things in Christ but I don’t see the church believing that, because we don’t act on that belief. This is where revelation has been coming to me over the last while. I read in the Bible that signs, wonders and miracles took place, that people dreamed dreams, angels visited people, believers were filled with the Spirit and had power, believers were even transported miraculously in some instances to other places. If that was normal for then, then what has changed today? We should be able to operate in the same manner today as then. I have been seeing through new eyes – When we accept Jesus as our Saviour, we become new creations – God breathes His life into our Spirit – so we become god-like (not God). Everything in the heavenly realm becomes accessible to us as we are co-heirs with Christ. When we grasp our position in the Kingdom, everything becomes possible for us. I am believing for supernatural experiences with Him – being effective in His Kingdom. How can we represent The King of Kings accurately if we do not operate in the miraculous? We say we want to become more like Jesus – well Jesus was a miracle worker – to represent Him to the world we need to move and operate as He did.

My favourite quote is from Bill Johnson who says, “Revelation from the Word that doesn’t take us into a divine encounter only makes us more religious.”

I definitely don’t want to become more religious -I want to encounter the Living God daily and operate out of His authority, power and compassion. This will be my last journey entry for awhile as we  are waiting to see where God takes us next  (although our journey never ends) – can’t wait for the new adventures in Him with my new revelation. I am trusting that my next entries will be full of testimonies and faith-building.

My Journey – Part 10

This blog is going to be the most difficult to write about my journey and I really want to do it with integrity and humility. I don’t want to point any fingers or come across as unforgiving or bitter in any way as I truly don’t feel those things. I would not have been able to do this a year ago as I was working through a number of feelings and trying to make sense of it all.

After 5 years of establishing our church plant  things turned to custard for us. We were about to undertake a trip back to South Africa to be part of our previous church plant’s 10 year birthday bash. They were flying Hubby and I out to be a part of it. Well my mum and dad couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing their grandkids, so they paid for our children to fly out with us. A few weeks before we left I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach – I knew something was going to happen while we were gone, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. God gave me 4 little words that helped me to understand the bigger picture. I knew something major was coming but nothing could have prepared us for what came our way. Here is  a journal entry I wrote when things turned upside down for us. This was written about 7 months after the event:

“The first inkling of unease and the trouble to come came as a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew something momentous was about to happen and I knew that it was not going to be pleasant. This feeling increased over the days and God in His graciousness and wisdom began to  reveal to me little cameos of what was about to happen. I am so grateful for those pictures and words as it confirmed to me that I was not going mad even thought the world around me  appeared to turn upside down – the reasonable became completely unreasonable and I could make sense of none of it. As our world exploded around us – all who were dear to us snatched away – accusations flying at us like a circus knifeman meticulously aiming his daggers – I felt like I was treading water with rescue nowhere in sight. The feeling of numbness, sheer disbelief and feeling as though I was living in a surreal world continued through the week. Was this how Jesus felt when He was put on trial? – accused by those He so dearly loved – those He was giving is life for. Slowly we resigned ourselves to letting go – at first it felt like failure, giving up to me, but we realised we would have to take it on the chin for the mistakes we made and trust God to vindicate us on the accusations that were unjust. The saying, “life’s not fair” had new meaning to me. Through hurt and angry feelings I tried my utmost to not let this derail me, to trust God no matter what and above all to forgive and forget and even pray for those who hurt us most. Each day is a new journey to me – like an addict taking one step at a time, I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster. One day I am strong and happy, the next day angry and wondering again how this happened. At last I choose to to forgive and let it go – I can’t live regretting my mistakes and beating myself up daily – I can’t live under others perceptions of who I should be, or feeling intimidated in their presence. I need to live for Him alone – an audience of one – pleasing to Him and with intimate relationship with Him. This is what allows me to move on – to walk in freedom and peace. I feel the warmth of His favour as I do – He gives me new purpose to life.”

As a result of some leadership mistakes and personal issues we were dealing with, we came under pressure to hand over the leadership of the church plant. Gossip and speculation had entered the church and no matter how hard we tried to resolve it, it was not to be. The result of all this was a very ugly situation  and our primary concern was for the church. Keeping the church together was our focus – so we chose to walk away. The last thing we wanted was the church folding as there were great people in the church.

We repented for everything you can imagine – for mistakes we had made and even accusations that were inaccurate – we believed God would vindicate us and carry us through. We had one week to pack up our home and put our things in storage before we flew to South Africa. We arrived in SA absolutely crushed, heartbroken and grief-stricken. Our children were amazing – their lives had been shattered too – they had to say goodbye to friends they had made and get their heads around the fact that we would be moving to a new city when we returned.

Going to SA was the best thing that could have happened – God knew the perfect timing for all this in our lives. We were surrounded by family who just lavished us and loved us through our emotional time. People encouraged us even though they had no details, and God started to stir hope in us for the future. When we  arrived back “home” we travelled to a new city where we submitted ourselves to a relating church and became accountable to them for our lives. It has been 21 months since that incident and I have gone through various emotions . I can truly say though that we felt like God saved us again and we have been looking through different lenses at His church and kingdom. It has been very refreshing for us to see things in a new way, although very painful too.

The hardest thing for me was that the relationships that we thought were so strong weren’t actually there – people didn’t know how to treat us and so those ‘closest’ to us either avoided us completely or just made superficial conversation with us. It took me a long time to stop feeling bad for our mistakes – forgiving ourselves was the hardest thing of all. I realised too that God loves us no matter what, but that sometimes we as people can be unforgiving. We are so secure now in Him – part of my identity before was wrapped up in doing and serving in His Kingdom and now I have realised He just wants relationship with me, first and foremost – the rest is just icing on the cake.

I realise that forgiveness is an ongoing thing, not necessarily a once off event. I have determined never to be bitter about what we went through – we have learned things that have strengthened us and made us more reliant on God than ever. I also realised through this hardship that there are people who have had greater heartache than we have – who have lost children or loved ones, who are starving to death or living in war-torn areas and it has made me far more compassionate to other’s sufferings. I hope this blog entry encourages those going through hard times  that pain does diminish, that forgiveness is key and that God does restore and continue to love us through those hard times. May you be blessed today!!!

My Journey – Part 9

Who knew my life was so full – I am going to have to wrap up my journey in a few more blogs but having done these posts I realise  how much happens in our lifetime that we can learn from, be thankful for and celebrate.

We decided when I was 39 that we wanted another child. I was certainly no spring chicken – my youngest child was 5 years old and had started school. I agree that women lose their memories after giving birth – I must have completely lost mine as I was finally independent again with no more nappies, a full night’s sleep again and yet I really wanted another child. So we did. I fell pregnant very easily – I actually went on a detox diet to detox before I wanted to fall pregnant. Well the detox worked great – so well that I fell pregnant whilst doing it!!!

I thought my pregnancy was going so well – I had some serious aches and pains and I was tired but I put that down to being a lot older. So it came as a huge shock after a routine visit to the midwife to be told that I possibly had gestational diabetes. I climbed into the car with Hubby and howled my eyes out!! I then had to have a fasting glucose test which came back indicating that I did indeed have gestational diabetes (gd). I had always said that the one thing I could never do would be to inject myself. I was asked if I would participate in a study that was being done for gd and so I agreed. I was really hoping to be given medication for my problem, but once again my character and tenacity had to be put to the test. The nasty little computer involved in this study randomly selected me to take insulin, which of course involved injecting.

I was petrified when the nurse arrived to show me how to inject myself. I was given a trial run on a board with some padding and then told to inject myself. I had to inject myself into my swollen belly. I was relieved that it wasn’t too painful and that I didn’t pass out. I thought Hubby might be able to help me but he was hopeless – he would run from the room any time I needed an injection.

I must say my sympathy goes to people who have to deal with this daily for their entire lives. Suddenly I couldn’t just eat when I was hungry. I had to eat at regular intervals and the right type and amount of food was important. I would have to test my blood sugars by pricking my finger 6 times a day and then injecting myself with insulin 5 times a day. I truly felt like a pin-cushion.

One morning while in a restaurant having breakfast with Hubby I went to the bathroom to inject my insulin before eating when the lights in the area went out. It was pitch dark in the bathroom and there I was about to stab myself with my injection. “Great… ” I remember muttering. Fortunately the lights came on again and all was good. I found as my pregnancy progressed that injecting became more and more uncomfortable for me. I was delighted when baby was born and my life returned to normal.

I still have to watch out for my sugars and really I need to get back to my diabetes diet – the weight just dropped off me when I cut out all sugar, cut down my carbohydrate portion sizes and ate more salads and vegetables.

I believe that everything we experience can be used to help others travelling the same road. A year later during a routine visit to the clinic I saw an Asian lady who was pregnant waiting in the waiting room. I just knew that she was there for a glucose test for gd. I approached her and was really able to encourage her about what she was going through, especially since she was new in the country. I gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed some support. She called  a week later to tell me that she did not have gd, but as a result we became friends through this incident. I realised then that if I could use my experience to be an encouragement to others, that all that drama and pain was worth it.

My Journey – Part 8

As we continued on in our church plants we felt God again stir our hearts for the nations. I need to backtrack a bit and say that before we left our church to plant, God began to place New Zealand on our hearts. We submitted this to our then leaders and they decided it would be better for us to gain experience by firsting planting churches in our own country and culture before embarking across the shores. This was very wise advice for us personally.

We attended another church’s meeting with a very prophetic lady (with the pastor’s permission) and she called us out during the meeting. She was the first person to confirm what we had been feeling in our hearts. She began by saying, “Nations, nations, nations…” . She must have said it about 12 times and it definitely caught our attention. She then went on to say that we had had a nation on our hearts for about 3 years which was very accurate. This again stirred our hearts for the dreams we had laid down. We always made sure that although our hearts were relocating to another place that we would love the people and live as though we were always going to be in this church. We didn’t want to give half-hearted effort into what we were doing at the time.

So we continued on for a few more years and I must say that we loved every minute of it. Then in November of 1999, we had another prophet come into the life of our church. She knew absolutely nothing of our desires or our plans. She prophesied over us that within 6 years God was going to catapult us into New Zealand. Well almost exactly 3 years later we were boarding a flight to relocate to New Zealand.

God brought us the right leader to take over the church supernaturally. Hubby had been in a meeting with a group of pastors from a number of towns when God spoke to him and said, ” The man across the room will take over your church.” We did not know the man at all except that he was a pastor in another church. We could not even afford to pay him a salary to join us so we knew that God would have to work it out. Well it took 2 years to work out, but God organised for this man to relocate to our town with a new job as he had felt God tell him to join us. We had said nothing to this man as we wanted to know that he was hearing God. He arrived with a humble attitude of wanting to help in any way he could without expecting any profile or leadership position. It took 10 months to transition the church but it went very well – the people received them with open arms.

We arrived in New Zealand with a suitcase each and our enthusiasm. We left all our furniture as we had no finance to bring it and we just trusted God to open the doors for us with jobs and visas. It was a long haul with nail-biting times when we thought we would have to leave, but after 20 months we finally managed to get our permanent residency in New Zealand.  

Before we came to New Zealand we weren’t initially sure where God wanted us. We had thought we would be starting a church in  a certain city, but God gave me a dream and in my dream I saw another city (although I had never been there). A number of other confirmations came to us and so we knew where to go when we arrived in New Zealand. We began our first church meeting in our home with a few people we had met on the 12th January 2003 (this turned out to be the exact same date our previous church plant started on). We met in our home for a few months until we had grown enough to rent a venue.

Slowly but surely the church began to grow and we were very excited about what God was doing. We would go out into a public place every week and witness publicly on a soapbox to whoever would listen. We saw a Jewish man called Samuel who had come all the way from Israel get saved, a Buddhist Student get saved and join our church as well as many others touched and changed. We also suffered our fair share of abuse though. I was sworn at in the most vile language whilst preaching, Hubby had a gun (which turned out to be a water-pistol- thank goodness!!) pointed at his head by some irate person, and we were often jeered and ridiculed – but frankly we didn’t care – we just loved Jesus and that’s all that counted.

My Journey Part 7

There are some defining moments in life that leave us forever changed and mould us differently. Sometimes these moments are pleasurable but oftentimes they can be heart wrenching. One of these times happened to us in the December of 2000. It was  3 days before Christmas and I was awoken by a call in the middle of the night from my Mum. My brother, his wife and their two children had been in a car accident with a drunk driver. I remember feeling my heart stop as I asked how bad it was. My sister-in-law had been killed, my niece who was 3 years old was on life support, my nephew was in a critical condition as was my brother. I remember thinking “why” and “what if”, but mostly all I could do was cry out to God to save my brother and his children. Give them another chance was my heart’s cry. The next morning in church we were numb with shock but had to lead our people anyway. I remember during worship feeling defiant to the works of the evil one, and I felt prompted in my grief  to dance before the Lord in a declaration of joy, even though I wasn’t feeling joyful. So I danced and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

A day later mum called me to say that my brother had been wheeled in to see his daughter, had kissed her goodbye, told her he loved her and then held her as her life support was turned off. Our precious little Katie, went to be with her mum. My brother had numerous injuries, a broken jaw, foot and a shoulder injury. He was swollen black and blue and emotionally beaten up. His son who was about 6 years old had a severe leg injury.

It was the bleakest Christmas ever in our family. After Christmas I caught a flight to be with my family for a few days while hubby stayed at home and held the fort. The first time I saw my brother, I was shocked but mostly I didn’t know what to say – how do you say sorry in words that show truly how you feel. I just hugged him and the tears flowed. There can be no words of comfort and as he wasn’t a practising christian, I knew that saying something flippant or spiritual was not the answer. All I could do was to tell him we loved him and were praying for him.

My sister-in-law and niece’s funeral was gut-wrenching. I knew that somehow things would never be quite the same again in our family. For the first time death had invaded our family in an unexpected and ugly way. I could appreciate for the first time how God must have felt losing His Son to a death that was unpleasant.

I arrived back home emotionally spent, but feeling as though I needed to be strong. I had no opportunity to worry about my own feelings as we were just in the beginning of a spate of deaths to come our way in the next few months. A few weeks later, one of our leader’s father was dying of cancer. His sister who had gone to be with her dad was hijacked in her car and killed by a bullet wound to the head. This left our leaders reeling and we needed to step in and encourage them and support them.  Yet a few weeks later a member of our congregation lost his mother to a gunshot wound – she was shot by her nephew who had a disagreement with her. A month later one of the pastors on our team with us lost his brother who was killed by his wife in a domestic dispute. As I type this I am thinking how ridiculous and far-fetched this all sounds, but it actually happened. Just when I thought all this was over, my grandfather died in a freak accident out on one of his daily walks. In four months, my life was turned upside down.

Nevertheless I continued on being strong for everyone around me. I didn’t dare question God as to why, I just thought that I should think positively and that everything would turn out well. At the end of that horrible year we were ministering on a youth camp and then we were going to take three weeks leave – the first leave we had had in years. The youth camp was fantastic and God did wonderful things – I felt great and this was fine – until we had driven 10 minutes down the road after the camp ended. I remember bursting into tears and crying all the way to our holiday destination. I then cried almost constantly for the next 3 weeks – a deep depression (and I am not a person who suffers with depression) came over me. Poor hubby and the kids did not know what to do with me. They couldn’t cheer me up and eventually I think they decided to let me cry it out.

I was even embarrassed visiting churches because I would cry from beginning to end. I realise now that I had so suppressed my feelings and emotions to be strong for others that I had not dealt with my own grief. I realised that a year after my family’s car accident I was just beginning to grieve for their loss. I am grateful that we were away from home as our church people might have thought I needed a straight jacket.  I was able to grieve and so begin my healing process. I am very aware now that when people lose loved ones, they sometimes want to stay busy to keep their minds occupied, that this can delay the inevitable grief process that must take place and often this time will hit when they start to relax.

This sad blog has a good ending though!! My brother had a radical conversion and now passionately serves Jesus – he met a lovely christian woman and married her and he has an awesome testimony. Although he admits that one never gets over the loss of loved ones, life does go on and gets a little easier each day. I praise God that even in disaster, God will turn it to good.